世界如此险恶，打死你我也不会说

1 We Close at Ten

"Waitress，"shouted the impatient diner，"do I have to sit here and starve all night？"

"No，sir，we close at ten o'clock."

我们十点关门

“服务员，”顾客不耐烦地喊道，“我必须整晚坐这儿挨饿吗？”

“不，先生，我们十点关门。”

2 Burglars Broke into the House

Poet： Burglars broke into my house last night.

Friend： Yes？What happened？

Poet： They searched through every room，then left a $10 bill on my bureau.

盗贼来访

诗人：“昨晚盗贼闯进了我的屋子。”

朋友：“是吗？丢了什么吗？”

诗人：“他们翻遍了每个房间，然后在我的书桌上留下了一张10美元的钞票。”

3 A Polite Horse

John： Tom，how was the horse‐riding yesterday？

Tom： Not so bad.But my horse was too polite.

John： Too polite？

Tom： Yes.When we came to a fence，he let me go first.

有礼貌的马

约翰：汤姆，昨天骑马骑得怎么样？

汤姆：不错，但我的马太有礼貌了。

约翰：太有礼貌了？

汤姆：是的。当我们要跨栏时，它让我先过去了。

4 Have the Money

"How did you plan your future？"

"I became the partner of a rich man.He had the money and I had the experience."

"How did that help？"

"Now he has the experience and I have the money."

致富

“你是如何计划未来的？”

“我成为一个富人的合伙人。他有钱，我有经验。”

“那如何发挥作用？”

“现在他有经验，我有钱。”

5 The Man Is Looking for It

A little boy came home with a five‐dollar bill and said he found it.

"Are you sure it was lost？"asked his mother.

"Sure，I'm sure，"said the little boy，"I saw the man looking for it."

他正在找呢

一个小男孩拿着一张5美元的钞票回到家里，他说是捡到的。

“你肯定这是别人丢的吗？”他妈妈问。

“当然，我确定，”小男孩说，“我看见那个人正在找呢。”

6 Eggs

"How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard？"

"One night I hid five eggs under a bush in my garden，and next day I let him see me gather them.I wasn't bothered after that."

鸡蛋

“你是如何让邻居把他的母鸡关在自家院子的？”

“一天夜里，我在花园的一簇灌木丛下藏了五只鸡蛋。第二天，我让他看到我把那些鸡蛋收了起来。从那以后，我就没被打搅过。”

7 Kept Coming Back

At the insistence of a reporter，a wealthy man finally decided to reveal the secret of success."I first became rich by selling homing pigeons."he explained.

"Really？"replied the amazed reporter，"How many did you start with？"

"Only one，"the millionaire answered，"but he kept coming back."

总是飞回来

在一位记者的坚持下，一名富翁最终决定透露他成功的秘密。“我起先是以卖信鸽发家的。”他解释说。

“真的吗？”记者惊讶地反问道，“一开始你有多少只？”

“只有一只，”百万富翁回答说，“但它总是飞回来。”

8 Good News and Bad News

An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone had shown interest in his paintings.

"I've got good news and bad news."he said，"The good news is that some guy inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after you died.When I told him it would，he bought all 12 of your paintings."

"And the bad news？"

"The guy was your doctor."

好消息与坏消息

一位画家向美术馆老板打听是否有人对他的画感兴趣。

“有好消息，也有坏消息。”他说，“好消息是有人询问你的作品在你死后会不会升值。我告诉他会的，他就把你的十二幅画全买走了。”

“那坏消息呢？”

“那家伙是你的医生。”

9 You Should Be Replaced

A famous film director entered a restaurant.

After the meal，the owner asked him for advice，"If I change some of my cooks and their dishes still can't attract more customers，what shall I do？"

The director thought for a minute and replied，"In our film studio，if we continue to lose audience with the changes of some actors，the director will get replaced."

你应该被替换

一位着名电影导演走进一家饭店。

饭后，饭店老板向他请教：“如果更换几个厨师，饭菜仍不能吸引顾客，我应该怎么办？”

导演想了一分钟，回答说：“在我们电影制片厂，如果更换一些演员仍失去观众，我们就更换导演。”

10 How to Get a Seat by the Fire

Mr.Jack came to an inn on a very cold day，and could get no room near the fire.

He called to the hostler to fetch a peck of oysters，and give them to his horse.

"Will your horse eat oysters？"said the hostler.

"Try him."said Mr.Jack.

Immediately the people ran to see this wonder，and Mr.Jack who alone remained in the room，chose the best seat by the fire and made himself comfortable.

怎样在火炉旁找个好座位

在一个寒冷的冬天，杰克先生来到一家小客栈，发现火炉旁边已经没有空位了。

于是，他让旅店的伙计去拿些牡蛎来喂他的马。

“您的马吃牡蛎吗？”伙计问道。

“你试着喂喂吧。”杰克先生回答。

顷刻间，人们都跑去看这一奇观，杰克先生则独自呆在屋里，他在火炉旁找了个最好的座位，舒舒服服地坐在那儿取暖了。

11 It Hurts

Carl's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his three‐year older sister pulling his hair.She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Carl，"There，there.She doesn't mean to hurt you.She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed.Rush in a back in，she asked，"What happened？"

"She knows now."Carl replied.

疼

当听到卡尔的尖叫时，卡尔的妈妈跑进卧室，看见比卡尔大三岁的姐姐正在扯他的头发。她慢慢松开小女孩的拉扯，安慰卡尔说：“过来，过来。她不是有意那样做的，她只是不知道那样很疼。”

她刚刚离开房间就听小女孩尖叫起来。她赶紧跑回去问：“发生什么事了？”

“她现在知道了。”卡尔答道。

12 Is He Really Ill

On a hot summer day an elderly gentleman faints in the street.A small crowd immediately gathers around him.

"Give the poor man a glass of whiskey."advises a woman.

"Give him a heart massage."says someone else.

"No，just give him some whiskey."insists the woman."Call an ambulance."yells another person.

"A whiskey！"The man suddenly sits up and exclaims."Shut up，everybody，and do as the kind lady says！"

他真病了吗

在一个炎热的夏天，一个上了年纪的男子昏倒在街头，一群人马上围了上去。

“给这个可怜的人一杯威士忌吧。”一位女士建议。

“给他做一下心脏按摩。”另外一个人说。

“不，还是给他一些威士忌。”那位女士坚持说。

“还是叫一辆救护车吧。”有人喊起来。

“一杯威士忌！”地上的那个人坐起来嚷道，“都闭上嘴，就照那位好心的太太说的去做！”

13 Sharing on the Train

A Frenchman，an Englishman，an American，and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette，then threw it out the window，saying，"Don't worry，we have plenty of those where I come from."

The Englishman offered everyone a Sandwich，then threw the rest out of the window，saying，"Don't worry，we have plenty of those where I come from."

Then the American threw the lawyer out of the window，saying...

火车上的共享

一名法国人、一名英国人、一名美国人和一名律师坐在同一辆火车上。

法国人递给每人一些他带的法国长棍面包，然后把它扔出窗外，说：“不用担心，在我来的地方，这样的东西我们有很多。”

英国人递给每人一个三明治，然后把剩下的全扔出窗外，说：“不用担心，在我来的地方，这样的东西我们有很多。”

然后美国人把律师扔出窗外，说……

14 Letter from A Fool

Mr.Anthony entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him.He opened one and found it contained the single word"fool".Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these word：

"I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name，but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter."

傻瓜来信

一个星期天，安东尼先生上普利茅斯的教堂去，在那里有他的几封信。他打开其中一封，发现信中只写着“傻瓜”两个字。他平静而认真地把这件事告诉教友们，他这样说：“写信时忘了签名的人，我倒遇见过很多，但只签了名却忘了写信的人，我却是头一次遇到。”